PPC a la Chii - Track 9

(…I can’t sleep.)

(Everything’s a mess in my head again. I was able to take some pics thanks to Nayuuki pressing me to, though.)

(Will Mom really come for the real thing tomorrow…?)

(Sighs)… Guess I’ll go outside and get some fresh air…

(Quietly so I don’t wake up Tao…)

Gonna have another cup of late-night guilty ramen?

……!

You’ll get bloated if you eat ramen now, and then you’ll be all depressed tomorrow.

Tao…! H-How?

Haha. I had late-night ramen with Raito-san last night. He told me he ate there with you too.

Nayuuki’d be mad if he found out, y’know.

Just how does Raito-san not feel bloated or gain weight even though he eats ramen every night. He’s probably got a special constitution, right? That might be the most occultish part about him.

Haha… That might for real be it. …Tao, can I talk to you about something since you’re awake?

I’ll hear you out till morning.

If we do that we’re gonna end up looking sleep-deprived and our photos will flop~

…How about we just go for a walk, then?

The sea breeze feels so nice…

Yeah.

…Um, I don’t really know where to start from… I planned this whole thing ‘cause I wanted Big Sis and Mom to get along, and for my whole family to laugh happily together, but it hasn’t made anyone happy.

……

I know now that trying to change Mom was arrogant of me. You can’t change the past, or people. But if that’s the case, I thought it’d be fine to do it for my own self-satisfaction. But…

Big Sis said she doesn’t want me to repay her, and that she’d rather be used. In the end, that’s what it comes down to…

It’s just like Mom said. I’m scum for using my family to rake in views.

……

I see. I was worried about you ‘cause you seemed depressed. So that’s what’s on your mind.

……

……

Let’s talk about something else for a bit.

……?

Oda-san told me how he and Mitsuki-san met during the evening photo shoot.

Huh, he did!?

Yeah. Oda-san said Mitsuki-san is a very tolerant person, but when she’s with him, she lets herself be selfish. He said he’s happy to hear her out then.

……!

Honestly, I get him. It’s just easier when people are upfront about what they want.

…Big Sis never said a single selfish thing while she lived at home.

(Probably because when she said she wanted to see the pandas, her wish wasn’t heard.)

…Big Sis has finally learned how to be selfish after meeting Oda-san.

…I think Mitsuki-san is really happy right now. That’s why she feels so guilty towards you.

…Urk.

That’s how I feel towards my little brother too… Guilty.

Huh…? You do?

…If he’s alive, he’d be older than me. I’m sure he didn’t have it easy after I disappeared. I hope he’s happy now, but I don’t know if he is.

Somehow I ended up living at HAMA House… and I’m having a lot of fun.

Sometimes, while living every day happily… I’m hit with an overwhelming sense of guilt and emptiness.

Tao…

Ah, but I am happy, you know? That’s why I feel so…

Helpless, and guilty towards him… And when I start thinking about what to do, I know there’s only one thing I can do to make this feeling go away.

What is it…?

Knowing that my brother is happy now… and he’ll be happy for the days to come.

……

Are you happy now, Chihiro?

I’m happy… I think…

I’m glad I get to work as part of Ev3ns… Living in HAMA House is fun.

Yeah.

I also feel guilty towards my little sisters… I want to apologize for being the only one who gets to live in such a fun place.

Are your sisters the kind of people who would blame you for that?

They’re not…

But I still wonder… Is it okay for me to be the only one who’s happy? Is it okay for me to be the only one who’s having fun…?

You and your big sister have similar ways of thinking, huh.

……

That’s not… all I’m thinking of.

Yeah?

I also feel that way towards my mom.

……!

I want to tell her I’m sorry. Even though I’m the reason she’s unhappy, I… can’t make her happy…

I want to tell her… I’m sorry, Mom. I’m sorry I made you unhappy… and I’m sorry for trying to be the only one that’s happy.

Chihiro…

Is it okay for me to be happy when my mom isn’t? How can I make her happy…? Is it too late to try after I’ve failed the audition?

Chihiro.

I thought if I made Mom happy, she’d love me…

But I have to give up now. I’ve got to give up, don’t I? I know that in my head. I do.

Tell me I’m wrong. My happiness and Mom’s happiness are two different things. There’s no way for me to make Mom happy.

…Mom won’t change no matter what I do.

Mom will never love me…!

……

I see… I think I kinda get what you meant when you said the bottom of your cup is broken.

……

But, you know… I think your cup can be fixed.

Even if the fix is just a patch, once it’s in place, won’t all kinds of feelings start building up inside you? Amongst them, you might even find something more important than your mother’s love.

And… I told you I’d help in any way I could.

Tao…

And here’s my selfish request: I want you to smile.

Even if you’re going to start doing it now, I want you to be selfish enough to only think about your own happiness.

Can I… even do that…?

That’s what would make me happy, at least. That’s how I’d want Taiki to live too, I think.

……

Ahhh… Look, I was actually planning to give this to you on the first day of the tour, but I brought it with me ‘cause I thought I could use it to encourage you. Here…

…? Is that what you were making all that noise about in the hotel earlier?

Yeah. I talked it out with the Chief and we made this for you. Sorry about the weird timing, I was put in charge of when to give it to you.

A gift…? Can I open it…?

Sure.

…! A photo album?

I heard you can use it easily as long as you’ve got the data. Even though you took so many pictures with different people, and even shared them, there’s a lot of pictures you don’t use at all.

That’s why I asked everyone in the dorm to give me their pictures with you. Once we came to Wakayama, I put them all in this photobook.

Wah… This is the first pic I ever took with Renre… There’s one of everyone… Even Shumaipi’s here…

…Ah, Mitsuki-san told me when we first met that she’s worried about how you don’t have many childhood photos.

When I asked the Chief for advice… the idea of making a photo album came up.

……!

It was a real help, ‘cause I’d have never thought of that by myself, we didn’t have this kind of thing back in my era.

……

(So many people helped him encourage me…)

You had to do all the odd jobs that come with being a sub-host and even did this…

I also got a lot of messages while gathering the data. Here, this one’s from Nishizono-san.

…“I was really nervous the first time I took a picture with Chihiro, but I’m glad he asked me. He taught me how to smile better back then, and I still use that method now!”

What else… Oh, the one from Hachinoya-san might be interesting.

“Thanks for taking a photo with someone as worthless as me, LOLOLOLOLOL ← Is this how you use it?”

Pffft… Nagipeko’s so cute…

Toi-san wrote a message about 4000 words long, so I’ll send it to PeChat later.

……

I look super happy in these photos…

You cheer up lots of people when you’re like that, you know?

I dunno about that…

Have you forgotten your own jobs? You’re an idol and an influencer. Lots of people are encouraged to continue on with their work, or to take their exams, just ‘cause of your smile.

There’s a tag called “#LetChihiroNatsuyakiInYourLife” trending, that’s all about people smiling like Chii no matter what.

…That’s true, but that’s just “Chii”. The real me is a weakling, you know that, Tao.

Isn’t it more like, Chihiro Natsuyaki gives everyone courage by doing his best as Chii despite his weaknesses?

……

I don’t… think you’re the reason your mother is unhappy. But unless you come into terms with that yourself, just understanding it in your head isn’t enough, huh?

But, you know, you should keep this in mind, at least: There are a lot of people who love your smile and want you to be happy, besides your mother.

……!

For their sake, could you forgive yourself a little?

(Forgive myself… For the sake of the people who love me?)

You might not be able to change your mother, but you’ve changed a lot of people’s lives for the better.

It’s up to each individual to decide where they want to change or not. Some people change, and some don’t.

So, I think this is also up to whether you want to change or not, Chihiro.

……

I…

I want to change… I really want to change. I want to puff my chest out and tell Big Sis I’m happy… so that I can give her a peace of mind.

I want to… let go of myself who was hurt by every little thing Mom told me.

…Yeah.

……

…Do you think Big Sis won’t feel as guilty if I tell her I’m happy?

I think so.

Thanks, Tao.

I’ll try to tell Big Sis at least that tomorrow.

Haha. If you wanna thank me, we should game together soon.

Is there anything I can do… For the guilt you feel towards your brother…?

……

I told you I might be able to meet him if Ev3ns makes it big, right? Just doing your usual activities is enough for me. A-Also…

……?

It’s okay to cry, but I want you to smile at the end. That’s all I want.

……

What’s up?

You’re SERIOUSLY unaware of your rizz!

Wh-Why the sudden Chii Punch…?

(I get it now… After saying it out loud, I realized I’ve been feeling guilty towards my mom.)

(It’s probably not going to be easy to let go of wanting her to love me. But someday, it’ll surely get easier.)

(And… it’s okay for me to be happy.)

(If I believe that I can smile for the people who love my smile, maybe I can change too.)